Where in the world am I today?: North Vancouver, BC, Canada

When I was growing up in Ottawa with my mom (who, btw, did a pretty amazing job as a single parent) we came up with all sorts of codes to indicate to each other what we ‘really’ wanted. I used to say to her –

“Mom, can I put away the dishes?”

Which really meant, if I put away the dishes would it be alright to make myself some popcorn to enjoy while watching some TV after dinner.

My brother and I developed a pretty specific way of putting the emphasis on the word ‘in-ter-est-ing’ which when said correctly to my mom would indicated that we had absolutely no interest in being involved in the activity that was being proposed – she got the point, she dropped it or helped us gracefully negotiate our way out of the family ‘adventure.’ I’m pretty sure most families develop such codes to communicate to each other that end up becoming a long series of inside jokes that communicate much more than the actual words and convey a huge amount of meaning. Idioglossia is perhaps the accurate term that I was introduced to by my friend Lee Zimmerman.

Lee reminded me of a bit of idioglossia that I had told him about from my family experience with my mom… This particular reference point comes out of almost everyone’s need to be recognized for having done a good job. My Mom comes from a very scientific background. She has a bachelor’s degree, two master’s degrees and a PHD. all in botany, but when I was growing up these credentials meant little or noting to me… She was my mom – Period. If she had spent a ton of time working on a paper and needed to be acknowledged she’d find the right time, explain what an enormous effort it had been to complete such and such a paper and I would turn to her and exclaim – OH MY! Likewise, had I spent a month working on a new trick in my juggling repertoire and finally achieved success I would show it to my Mom and she would exclaim – OH MY!

Over time we understood what was needed and would warn the other in advance… For example… I’d find a time that was right and say to my mom –

“Hey… Do you have a minute, I’m going to need an ‘OH MY!’ on this one…”

It was code for – I’ve worked really hard on this, I know you don’t necessarily understand the effort that was involved, but because you care about me and want to encourage me I know you’ll be supportive enough to give me the encouragement and acknowledgement that I need on this… The ‘OH MY’ was never delivered with any sort of condescension, it was simply a chance to provide the much needed positive feedback that I think we all need from time to time.

I think as a group, performers perhaps crave this acknowledgement more than most… Why else would you stand up on a stage in front of a group of strangers and desperately seek their approval… What’s more is that the approval we receive when we stand in front of an audience is incredibly addictive and provides a sort of ‘high’ that if you believe the hype can play havoc with your ego.

Is it wrong to seek out this approval? For the most part I think the answer to this is no, but when you start taking the approval too seriously, start buying into the hype and run the risk of believing your own publicity then you start becoming less fun to hang out with I think. There’s nothing wrong with having confidence with your abilities, but when it goes from well grounded confidence into becoming an ego driven joy ride I find that it becomes less socially acceptable or at the very least, less socially desirable.

This is perhaps why I liked the solution that my mom and I came up with of the ‘OH MY’ system so much… It acknowledged effort, gave praise when it was needed, but no one really took it too seriously. It allowed for a healthy balance between needing one’s ego stroked while at the same time not actually buying too heavily into the hype. A comfortable balance for all concerned that achieved everything that was required.

In the email in which Lee reminded me of the ‘OH MY’ protocol he referred to the absence of getting the required ‘OH MYs’ in one’s daily diet as a ‘Code 11.’ and I thought this was a great extension of the original concept… Remember that it’s sometimes better to give than to receive, so watch for those around you who may suffer from ‘Code 11’s’ and make sure you’ve got an ‘OH MY’ or two handy in case they’re needed. It takes so little effort and can have such great benefits for all concerned!